It's now or never

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-- "A Dream Deferred", Langston Hughes

My thoughts on guys, part I

My hard drive is freaking out after the last update I installed, which in turn is freaking me out, so I'm currently backing up everything on this computer. Before doing so, though, I'm trying to clean up and organize a little bit so I'm not just backing up stuff I wanted to get rid of anyway. Haha, it was actually one of my goals to clean up this computer during the Christmas break, so maybe this is just a little push to get me to do it.

Anyway, while looking through things, I found this note I wrote on April 21, 2005 about guys. Thought it was kind of funny and sounds just like freshman me, and I thought I'd put it up on here, albeit at the risk of seriously embarrassing myself. I think my thoughts on guys have greatly evolved since then, but it's pretty fun to hear what I thought at the time:



"Before you agree to marry a guy, you have to see how he acts when he’s mad. You need to know what he does when he’s frustrated, especially with his family members, how he treats them. You should see how he treats little kids, what he thinks of them. You should see him when he’s stressed, whether he despairs or hangs in there without complaint. You need to see how he treats his friends when he’s had an argument with them. You should think twice if he’s ever forced you to do anything against your will. Most of all, you should make sure it’s not on a whim, that you have already thought about marriage with him and that you have known him long enough, say maybe 2 years minimum. And it’d be best if you were at least 20.

"My ideal guy? By no means do I set absolute requirements or dismiss a guy if he doesn’t have one of these qualities or traits. I look at the big picture. But, I could definitely describe my ideal.

"First, physical traits. I tend to go for Caucasians. Maybe it’s because I’ve just grown up around white people, who knows. But I am attracted to height and that light hair color that’s somewhat in between blond and brown. I also like light-colored eyes. My ideal guy would be taller than [my brother], but I would still be taller than his shoulder. He would be heavier than me but faster than me (not TOO much faster), and he would be strong enough to lift me in his arms and carry me around without difficulty.

"There are certain qualifications that I’d also like him to meet. He would need to be older than me by at least two years, but no older than [my brother]’s age. He would be ... spiritual like [my brother]. He would be smart on a level comparable with mine, interested and good with languages, and energetic athletically. I am really impressed by coordination and quick reflexes in particular. He would be musically proficient on either cello or piano (but it would be great if he played others in addition). He’d know and be good with computers.

"As for personality traits, he’d be socially sound, but he’d have his dorky moments. He wouldn’t be the life of the party, but he’d be liked by everybody. He’d split time between people and girls (he’d still hang out with friends!). He’d have to be a night person. He’d hang out with mainly guys and not be like those guys who are super nice to all girls. He’d be more of a distanced, polite sort of nice to girls he didn’t know (or both genders for that matter). He wouldn’t be insecure, but he wouldn’t be overly confident; he’d be human and still have his doubts. He wouldn’t overanalyze relationships but he would still be a little nervous and analyze them somewhat. He’d get somewhat jealous but be cute (unknowingly) about confronting a girl about it (and he would confront, not sit there sulking). He’d give a girl space now and then. He would be the type of guy to be aware of girls’ personal bubble and sit some inches away from her. But if he liked her, he would sit closer sometimes and be nervous. Most importantly, he’d TALK.

"Well, there you have it. My kind of guy."



One thing that's pretty interesting is that a lot of the things I mentioned imply someone who is a lot like me (minus the Caucasian part). Lately, I've changed my mind a lot in that regard and think I would like to marry someone who is different from me in a lot of ways. Who wants to marry an identical person?

I think ideally I'd marry someone who shares a lot of common ground with me, but who has a different approach to life. I'm so logical, so deliberate, so serious. I need someone who will liven things up a bit.

More thoughts on this later.

Stop this train

Being the extremely pop-culture-ignorant individual that I am, I had never even heard of John Mayer until Jessie added a music player to her blog. I like pretty much all the stuff she's got on there, but I especially liked one Mayer song, "Stop This Train". Besides having a nifty acoustic guitar accompaniment, the lyrics really speak to how I've been feeling lately.

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind, but
I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing, stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Lately I feel like I've woken up and discovered that life is racing by faster than I can handle. When I think about things like getting a full-time job, moving away from school, getting married, having kids, grandkids... and eventually losing my parents, my siblings, my friends, as we all get old... I'm not ready for any of that; I don't want to be ready for any of that yet. I'm not ready to fight life out on my own.

It seems like there are people who can, at the end of their lives, lie on their deathbeds and say with confidence that they're happy with the lives that they've lived and that they're ready to go. Obviously, I'm not to that point, but it makes me wonder -- what are the things that I want to have done by the time I die? What do I need to be happy? To feel like I've really made the most of my life?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I regret never doing, or trying, or saying? If I were to follow the saying "live as though you would die tomorrow", how would I live differently? Would I be kinder? More patient? Would I tell, show my family and friends more often how much I love them? Would I be better about calling, writing emails? About listening? About just being there for others?

I don't know what I want out of life. Or what it wants out of me. I don't know what I want to accomplish, and see, and experience before I'm ready to go. How can I be ready to live out the rest of my life if I don't know what I want to do with it?

Honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Post-graduation stupor

Home is wonderful. I'm sitting on my couch with my laptop and enjoying all the delicious smells that are coming from the kitchen right now... it's back to homemade dinners! Spending seven weeks at camp really helps one appreciate the comfort and luxury of one's own house. Er, one's parents' house?

Still, it makes me wonder how much or little I actually need to be happy. I probably could have gone on living like I had been at camp for a while longer. Life is simpler when you have less stuff to keep track of, fewer ways of being contacted, and only so many options of things you could be doing at any given moment.

Though... home really is quite wonderful.

Technically, I should have been attending graduation this morning (and playing a violin solo there too), but I slept in instead. No, don't worry, it was entirely intentional -- I'm on the other side of the country! Given a choice between attending graduation for two days and spending the next few weeks at home, I chose the latter. Can you blame me? I just hope they mail my diploma to the right place.

It's kind of weird to be done with undergraduate school. At this point, I can go off and do whatever I want. Granted, I've chosen to stay at the same school for my master's degree, but now everything is just on a whatever-I-feel-like basis. Strange, strange indeed.

Not much is going to change since I'm staying in school, but I still want something to feel different. Something to signify that I've moved on to a new stage of life. Something more than smaller classes, relaxed coursework, living wherever I want, and being able to check things out of the library for over 3 months. I want to feel more independent. More... grown-up, somehow. Being an adult definitely doesn't equate to feeling like one. I still think of myself as a kid in many ways.

For the coming year, I want to try some new things. I want to pick up some new hobbies, meet new people, go to new places, develop new routines. I want to know what's going on around me. I want to act, dress, and speak more like an adult. I want to feel more put together and be confident in who I am.

I've spent too much of my recent life feeling apologetic for the way I am. It's time to change.