My biggest fear is failing to be a worthwhile person

A friend asked me the other day what my biggest fear is, and I didn't know. But looking back on my thought patterns for the last two years of my life, I think I've figured it out (see title of this post).

Yes... I have failing-to-be-a-worthwhile-person-phobia. I think a lot of people have it to varying degrees. Most of them probably don't even know they have it.

I think it could also be called fear of being a boring person. Not only a boring person to other people, but a boring person to oneself. Currently, I am intensely suffering the latter.

I feel like my brain activity is slowly diminishing. There was a time when I thought about everything, all the time. Not in the sense of worrying or stressing about various things. Just pure curiosity about the world. About people, about society, religion, philosophy, the sciences, the arts... you name it. I was always asking questions--how does that work? why does this happen? how did people ever figure this out? what if society suddenly became like this? why couldn't the world have been this way?

Nowadays? If I get a spare moment to think, I'm perfectly happy to waste it staring at the wall. Stark contrast.

One of my theories is that a lot of my questioning used to be sparked by books that I read. Back when I actually had and/or made time to read, my mind was always alive with new ideas and perspectives about life and mankind. I also think that what I read made up a large part of the subjects I liked to talk about. Lately, I feel like I don't talk about much except for the same old things all the time. I really am turning into a boring person...

I went to the library the other day and just reveled in all of the knowledge contained there. I checked out some books that I want to read, but I haven't had time yet to crack open even one cover. Even so, having a stack of books on my chair has put me somewhat at ease. Maybe it's not too late yet to rediscover my love of learning.

Peanuts

In my first post, I mentioned how I think it's weird that nobody seems to know whether a "peanut" is the whole shell plus the two nuts or one of the two nuts themselves. Well, that's actually not what I meant, since most people I know will say "it's both!"

What I think is weird is that if you're holding the whole shell plus the two nuts, you're holding one peanut, but you're also holding two peanuts at the same time. What's with that?

Dang it, sometimes I just want to enjoy today!

Once upon a time, I created a blog. (And wrote four entries in it -- in one day!! Unheard of for me.)

Then I was smitten by finals, rehearsals, a work assignment, and other such time-consuming, energy-draining aspects of life.

But oh, how I thought of my poor, sweet blog, laying untouched for days, even weeks! Hardly a day passed that I did not wish to commune with it.

Alas, 'twas not to be.

Sometimes there's just so much stuff going through my head (thoughts, worries, emotions, etc) that it hurts. It literally makes me queasy inside. That's been me for the last week or so. It's when I get like that that I know I could really use a writing session to let it all out. Even just to recognize all the things that are bothering me so that I can be in a better position to improve my own life. I hate feeling like I'm just being swept along by the stream of time.

Thankfully, some things have been kicked out of the way or otherwise conquered, and I can breathe a little for the moment.

Schoolwork prepares me to be able to get a job. Rehearsals prepare me to perform well. Working prepares me to be able to eat later. I spend plenty of time preparing for tomorrow and the future, but I want to have a nice day today, too! Is that so much to ask?

It's crazy what people will do to themselves in order to do what they think is the right thing. I've been depriving myself of food and sleep all week to get things done, and although I've done all my schoolwork, rehearsals, and work decently, I sure feel pretty crappy. My body doesn't want to respond to anything I tell it to do, my muscles are achy, my eyes hurt, and my brain is performing at a little less than top-notch level right now. (Plus, I realized this morning when I went to shower that I hadn't showered since Tuesday night. Eww.)

It's also crazy how fast time flies by when you need to be getting stuff done. I feel like I've hardly done anything today, yet here we are nearly at 8PM already. Does Einstein's theory of relativity explain that?

...man, I'm so glad that my physics final is over.

Pride is still my deadly sin

Ahem. The breakdown:

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Pride is a serious issue for me, I think. It's not the haughty kind of pride where you look down on everyone else, but rather where your past self looks down on your current self. It's the type of pride that just reinforces insecurity and bitterness: where you won't accept the way things have turned out because you don't think they're good enough for where you're at and that you must have failed somehow because you clearly deserve better. And then you start to feel like you must suck at life because you've obviously failed at something. It's a pretty self-crushing type of pride, in my opinion, and I need to find a way to cure myself of it before I go mad.

On the up side, I think all the bars except "Lust" were pretty high the last time I took this quiz. So, I've improved quite a bit, considering. Not that an online quiz is by any means an authoritative way of measuring the cleanliness of my soul, of course... but they're still fun!

The real me is an introvert

A good friend of mine looked at the URL for this blog and joked that maybe he's been deceived by "thefakeheatherchan.blogspot.com". Clever. But maybe somewhat true in a (figurative) way...

Although I'm a reasonably sociable and friendly person when I try to be, I consider myself to be an introvert. I find it difficult and even unrewarding to talk about my feelings to other people, and I detest being anywhere near the center of attention. I feel incredibly vulnerable when people know or can see how I feel about things, and I especially hate being observed. I prefer to avoid conflict and any other situations that might draw attention to me and my inner feelings. Debates are not my forte. Public speaking chills my spine. Even as a musician specializing in performance, I hate performing!

I generally don't like people to see or grasp who I really am and how I work. If you don't look closely, I'll probably try to fool you into thinking that I'm really open about what I think, really comfortable with people, and really good at handling stress and worry. And I'll probably be completely content with letting you believe it, too.

So, perhaps "therealheatherchan.blogspot.com" signifies that I'm trying my best to battle my introversion and let my true self emerge here. This is the me that you don't see in everyday life.

Two completely different voices

So has anyone else noticed a huge discrepancy between the way they write and the way they speak? I know a good number of people who write exactly as if they were talking, and some who write slightly more formally. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that I would never speak the way I write at all. (Okay, well, maybe a little bit.) I think some difference is natural, but in my case it seems like I don't even know how to speak English when I'm having a conversation with someone in person. On the other hand, I feel like I have a pretty decent grasp of the language on paper (computer screen, whatever). My punctuation isn't always great, but I know some good vocabulary and I can express myself decently. But talking? Forget it. I'm about as inarticulate as they come.

Maybe that's partly why I'm writing in this thing. Sometimes I feel like I don't even understand my own thoughts because they just come out so jumbled. It takes writing the words down to hear what I'm trying to think! It's even more of a nightmare to try to talk to someone else while I'm trying to decide what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to say.

I'm a letter writer. At least, I used to be. Nowadays email has pretty much taken over and turned me into an email writer, but I still like to write old-fashioned letters on lined paper ever now and then.

Wait, let me clarify... I'm not a letter/email writer in the sense that I'm good at keeping in touch with people. Man, I am not good at that at all. It's slightly pathetic. What I mean is that when I really want to say something to somebody and have them understand it, I write them a letter. Or an email, depending. I can't get anything out right in person. And, when I want to say something to myself and have myself understand it, I write it down. I can't just think through it.

I'm working on the talking thing, I really am. But I have a terrible time forming coherent sentences, and then I sort of mumble everything. I talk in the back of my throat. It's awful. I can't imagine how people can stand talking to me. My mom's always getting after me to enunciate more.

I wonder a lot what people think when they meet me. In writing I sound perfectly capable of thinking. In person, not so much. I've been thinking that I should take some public speaking classes to fix how I talk, and also work on being more confident about talking. I guess it doesn't help that I don't like my voice. But speaking more clearly and bringing my voice forward would probably fix most of what I don't like about it. Hmm, worth a shot...

I think I sound kind of matter-of-fact when I write. I suppose that might not be too far off from my personality, though.

A fresh start

Well, I've never been great at writing in journals. As a matter of fact, my current journal is not more than 3 inches away from my elbow at this very moment... yet despite the fact that I see it every day, I hardly ever touch it, let alone open it and write in it. I find that whenever I even consider writing in it, I almost immediately give up for one of two reasons: 1) I still haven't written about that other thing I wanted to write about and my perfectionist side won't let me write out of chronological order, or 2) the particular thought I want to write about is too deep, confusing and/or depressing for me to possibly want to spend that much time articulating it into words, much less come back and read it later.

I've also never been great at writing in blogs. There's always that pressure of finding something to write about that won't bore people to tears--you know, not like the typical "I saw so-and-so today, and I ate such-and-such for lunch, and I just can't BELIEVE that ..." And I realize that that's just how most people's lives are, mine being no exception. Earthshaking, life-changing events just don't happen to the average human being on a regular basis. Certainly not often enough to keep a consistent record of them, anyway.

Or maybe I'm just the odd one out?

In any case, there have been plenty of times when I would gladly sit down and articulate some random thought that I had on some particular day, but haven't in order to spare the attention span of my fellow human beings. And it's really too bad, because even if there isn't a single other person in the entire world who cares that I think it's weird that nobody seems to know whether a "peanut" is the whole shell plus the two nuts or one of the two nuts themselves... well, it is!

So, this blog is for me. And, I guess, for anyone else who is the slightest bit curious about what actually goes on inside my head. I claim no responsibility for those who drive themselves to boredom, madness, depression, or endless cycles of confusion upon reading anything I decide to write here. I predict that there will be a severe lack both of earthshaking events and of relevance to life.

That said, I think I'll go to the bathroom now. My bladder's about to explode.