Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Brainstorming New Year's resolutions

I think that I'll keep my New Year's resolutions list fairly short this year. Sometimes the list gets so long that it ends up looking really intimidating, and I give up within the first week. I figure that fewer things on the list means fewer things to concentrate on and therefore a higher success rate at keeping them.

Here goes a rough draft (I may or may not revise it, depending on how well it works out):

  • Manage time effectively: I haven't been getting nearly as much sleep as I need in order to be fully functional and at my best. Particularly, my short-term memory doesn't seem to be working very well these days. I want to distribute my 24 daily hours more efficiently between academic time, work time, relax time, and sleep time. "Relax time" is actually a new requirement I'm making for myself this year separate from "sleep time", which will hopefully be around 8-9 hours a night. Yes, I do need that much sleep!!
  • Get in shape: Exercising helps so many aspects of life. When I exercise, my mental facility, emotional balance, and physical well-being all improve. I feel a lot more alive and happy, and it feels good to move about and know you're doing something to keep your body from deteriorating. I'm not sure yet exactly what I want to do for exercise, but I'm going to shoot for a modest goal of 30 min, 3 days a week.
  • Be aware of self: Something I've been dying to do for a long time is to start doing daily journal reflections. I want to see what I felt good about each day, what I didn't feel so good about, ways in which I'd like to improve, interesting or amusing things that happened, and any insights I've had about life. I want to be able to see the direction I'm heading in as a person, and I want to realize what I'm proud of and what I'm not proud of in myself. I want to believe in myself and feel good about myself, and develop a stronger self-image. I want to feel like I'm doing more than just letting life drift along.
  • Enjoy people: There's so much more to college life than the academics. I want to be more sociable and spend more time with people that I like. It's amazing how relaxing and refreshing it can be to spend even a small amount of time catching up with friends and doing something fun once in a while. And it also makes you that much better at doing things you need to do, in my opinion.
  • Organize finances: I've never done much budgeting with my money. I just earn as much as I can, try not to spend too much, and hope it comes out nicely. I want to do better about figuring out how much I want to save, and I want to be more careful about how and where I spend my money. My financial goal for life is to never be in debt when possible, but still live comfortably and have the resources to pursue my interests.

Hmm, one New Year's resolution that I ought to make is to actually keep my New Year's resolutions.

I'm thinking of maybe making signs for each of these and putting them up on the wall of my room. I've never tried anything like that before, and it might help me remember what I'm working on. I think it would be fun to make them kind of artsy too, so that they're nice to look at. A future Sunday project, perhaps...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas present ethics

A friend of mine asked me the other day, "Is it wrong to buy someone a Christmas present, and then decide you like it a lot and buy another one for yourself?"

The funny thing was that I had just done that earlier. I dunno, is it?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My thoughts on guys, part I

My hard drive is freaking out after the last update I installed, which in turn is freaking me out, so I'm currently backing up everything on this computer. Before doing so, though, I'm trying to clean up and organize a little bit so I'm not just backing up stuff I wanted to get rid of anyway. Haha, it was actually one of my goals to clean up this computer during the Christmas break, so maybe this is just a little push to get me to do it.

Anyway, while looking through things, I found this note I wrote on April 21, 2005 about guys. Thought it was kind of funny and sounds just like freshman me, and I thought I'd put it up on here, albeit at the risk of seriously embarrassing myself. I think my thoughts on guys have greatly evolved since then, but it's pretty fun to hear what I thought at the time:



"Before you agree to marry a guy, you have to see how he acts when he’s mad. You need to know what he does when he’s frustrated, especially with his family members, how he treats them. You should see how he treats little kids, what he thinks of them. You should see him when he’s stressed, whether he despairs or hangs in there without complaint. You need to see how he treats his friends when he’s had an argument with them. You should think twice if he’s ever forced you to do anything against your will. Most of all, you should make sure it’s not on a whim, that you have already thought about marriage with him and that you have known him long enough, say maybe 2 years minimum. And it’d be best if you were at least 20.

"My ideal guy? By no means do I set absolute requirements or dismiss a guy if he doesn’t have one of these qualities or traits. I look at the big picture. But, I could definitely describe my ideal.

"First, physical traits. I tend to go for Caucasians. Maybe it’s because I’ve just grown up around white people, who knows. But I am attracted to height and that light hair color that’s somewhat in between blond and brown. I also like light-colored eyes. My ideal guy would be taller than [my brother], but I would still be taller than his shoulder. He would be heavier than me but faster than me (not TOO much faster), and he would be strong enough to lift me in his arms and carry me around without difficulty.

"There are certain qualifications that I’d also like him to meet. He would need to be older than me by at least two years, but no older than [my brother]’s age. He would be ... spiritual like [my brother]. He would be smart on a level comparable with mine, interested and good with languages, and energetic athletically. I am really impressed by coordination and quick reflexes in particular. He would be musically proficient on either cello or piano (but it would be great if he played others in addition). He’d know and be good with computers.

"As for personality traits, he’d be socially sound, but he’d have his dorky moments. He wouldn’t be the life of the party, but he’d be liked by everybody. He’d split time between people and girls (he’d still hang out with friends!). He’d have to be a night person. He’d hang out with mainly guys and not be like those guys who are super nice to all girls. He’d be more of a distanced, polite sort of nice to girls he didn’t know (or both genders for that matter). He wouldn’t be insecure, but he wouldn’t be overly confident; he’d be human and still have his doubts. He wouldn’t overanalyze relationships but he would still be a little nervous and analyze them somewhat. He’d get somewhat jealous but be cute (unknowingly) about confronting a girl about it (and he would confront, not sit there sulking). He’d give a girl space now and then. He would be the type of guy to be aware of girls’ personal bubble and sit some inches away from her. But if he liked her, he would sit closer sometimes and be nervous. Most importantly, he’d TALK.

"Well, there you have it. My kind of guy."




One thing that's pretty interesting is that a lot of the things I mentioned imply someone who is a lot like me (minus the Caucasian part). Lately, I've changed my mind a lot in that regard and think I would like to marry someone who is different from me in a lot of ways. Who wants to marry an identical person?

I think ideally I'd marry someone who shares a lot of common ground with me, but who has a different approach to life. I'm so logical, so deliberate, so serious. I need someone who will liven things up a bit.

More thoughts on this later.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Pressing the snooze button of life

Today's topic in church was procrastination. At first I thought, "Yeah, yeah... everybody does it and we all know we shouldn't." I almost zoned out. But then I started listening and thinking about it, and really so many of the worries and sources of stress in my life (and probably anyone else's) stem directly from procrastination.

What are the things I usually beat myself up about? Homework deadlines. Being late for things. Not being prepared for an audition or performance. Not being far enough along on a project. Not sending important emails or making important phone calls. Not keeping in touch with people. Not telling people how much I care about them. If I weren't such a procrastinator, all of those problems would vanish! It's not like I'm not capable of getting all those things done in the time that I have. I just get into this mode where I lack the willpower to make myself do anything.

I have a terrible time getting up in the morning. I'm the type of person who can hit snooze for over an hour and not really notice that time is going by. Funny thing is, if I wouldn't procrastinate going to bed, I'd get enough sleep and wouldn't procrastinate getting up in the morning. But that of course would require that I not procrastinate my work and have to stay up late. Which would mean that I would have to get stuff done earlier in the day, which would probably be easier if I got up on time. Which means that I would need to go to sleep earlier... etc. Endless downward spiral...

Sometimes I wish I could stop and hit the reset button and start with a clean slate. Nothing would be behind schedule, and then I could try to stay on schedule. But how do you get back to that point once you've started down the spiral? The lesson on procrastination is always to just not even do it. But where's the lesson that tells us what to do if we've already started doing it?

How do I stop when everything's already backed up like crazy? If I don't procrastinate one thing, I've gotta procrastinate something else to keep up. It's like getting caught in a pool of quicksand.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Itching to write

Apparently more people look at this blog than I thought. Which makes me slightly embarrassed about that post on falling in love... but I'm going to fight my introversion and remind myself that the reason I started blogging wasn't in order to hide my thoughts.

In all honesty though, there have been so many things I have wanted to say but I just haven't had the time to sit down and formulate coherent sentences. Sigh... the paradox of blogging. We all know it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

How to have a good day

Get enough sleep.
Take your time getting ready for the day's activities.
Do something spontaneous and different before you head out.
Pack a good lunch.
Spend some time outside in beautiful weather.
After a hard day's work, do a little bit of what you most like to do.
Spare a couple of minutes out of your busy day to catch up with people that you like.
Set aside enough time to have a nice, relaxing dinner.
Figure out one big thing that you need to do and get it done really well.
And at the end of the day...
...take a moment to reflect on how great this day has been.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I want to fall in love

I'm working on my master's and I just realized that I have no plans for after I get my degree. No preference on where I want to live, what I want to do, where I want to work... nothing. I think I always figured that this is the part where the guy's supposed to show up and start factoring into everything.

By the way, this is not a complaint about being single. I love being single. I have freedom, I don't have to worry about taking care of someone else and nurturing a delicate relationship, my time is my own and I can do whatever I like with it.

At the same time, it would be awfully nice to have someone to love and look after, and who loved me back and supported me too. Friends are forever, but that particular kind of companionship is just on an entirely different level.

I highly doubt that I'm going to be married by the time I get my master's degree. So then what? Whoever I marry depends on where I end up going after that. Don't want to mess THAT up. I mean, I'll probably end up going wherever the wind takes me but I sort of want to get married someday, too. I wonder who he'll be, what he'll be like, what sorts of things he'll like to do, what kinds of things he'll like to talk about. How will I find him? What will our story be like?

Are you out there, somewhere? Are you wondering these same things too?

I'm in an uncharacteristically girly and sappy mood. It's too bad it's a Tuesday night and I have homework, else I'd probably be switching on some chick flick right now. Wouldn't that be something?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Stop this train

Being the extremely pop-culture-ignorant individual that I am, I had never even heard of John Mayer until Jessie added a music player to her blog. I like pretty much all the stuff she's got on there, but I especially liked one Mayer song, "Stop This Train". Besides having a nifty acoustic guitar accompaniment, the lyrics really speak to how I've been feeling lately.

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind, but
I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing, stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Lately I feel like I've woken up and discovered that life is racing by faster than I can handle. When I think about things like getting a full-time job, moving away from school, getting married, having kids, grandkids... and eventually losing my parents, my siblings, my friends, as we all get old... I'm not ready for any of that; I don't want to be ready for any of that yet. I'm not ready to fight life out on my own.

It seems like there are people who can, at the end of their lives, lie on their deathbeds and say with confidence that they're happy with the lives that they've lived and that they're ready to go. Obviously, I'm not to that point, but it makes me wonder -- what are the things that I want to have done by the time I die? What do I need to be happy? To feel like I've really made the most of my life?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I regret never doing, or trying, or saying? If I were to follow the saying "live as though you would die tomorrow", how would I live differently? Would I be kinder? More patient? Would I tell, show my family and friends more often how much I love them? Would I be better about calling, writing emails? About listening? About just being there for others?

I don't know what I want out of life. Or what it wants out of me. I don't know what I want to accomplish, and see, and experience before I'm ready to go. How can I be ready to live out the rest of my life if I don't know what I want to do with it?

Honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Inspirational quotes that I always ignored for some reason

Found my assignment notebook from high school! I pulled some quotes out of it that I like:

RESOLUTION: "When we cannot change a situation, resolution comes through the way we choose to handle it within ourselves." -- Gerald Coffee

MOTIVATION: "Ability is what you're capable of doing... motivation determines what you do... attitude determines how well you do it." -- Anonymous

OPTIMISM: "Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." -- George Bernard Shaw

RESPONSIBILITY: "We can't take any credit for our talents. It's how we use them that counts." -- Madeleine L'Engle

ATTITUDE: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -- Maya Angelou

TOLERANCE: "The test of courage comes when we are in the minority; the test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." -- Ralph W. Sockman

PERSPECTIVE: "When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." -- Alexander Graham Bell

INSPIRATION: "The key to life is imagination." -- Jane Stanton Hitchcock

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 6)

This was the most interesting poem for me to read. Made me kind of introspective again, actually.


MIRROR POEM: Secrets

When I look into the mirror,
I see another person.
A person I can relate to,
who can share all my secrets.
Looking into her dark eyes,
I can see something there:
A sense of achievement;
a strong self-motivation.
This, I feel,
is a dependable person,
who won't let me down,
unless it is beyond her control.
I can tell she has seen many successes,
yet I see also many failures.
I see how they bother her,
gnawing away at the back of her mind,
like little, pesky rodents.
Things that could have gone better,
had she put in the effort.
Opportunities that could have been opened,
had she only let them be.
But worst of all,
I see the failures that most torture her.
When those she cared most about,
had to endure pain and sorrow.
Those times are the most awful,
to her sensitive conscience.
Even if she could have changed nothing,
still the thought nags at her,
that she should have done something!
These things reveal themselves to me,
as I continue to look into her eyes.
However, I am quite sure,
that she will never burden another,
with the wild, troublesome thoughts,
that fly through her mind at every second.
Never will they know what lies beneath.
The cheerful smile,
the good-natured laugh,
it is all a concealment
of the problems she seeks to resolve.
She does not want others to worry,
or feel sorry for her,
or to know when they have hurt her,
so she simply keeps it a secret,
a caged animal threatening to emerge.
As I watch her,
I wish to tell her,
not to be so protective,
of the people around her,
but to be mindful to herself.
I want to tell her,
to enjoy herself in life,
and all the gifts it brings.
I feel that she should know
she can take a break sometimes.
And I will be there for her,
just as she is there for others.


Yeah. Speaks for itself, really.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 5)

I think this poem was based on my 12th birthday party.


FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE POEM: Sleep-Over

Late at night,
the crickets chirping,
we stay up in the tent,
talking of times past.

Then up in the loft,
we whisper jokes,
and it takes all our willpower,
just to control our laughter,
which is threatening to escape,
like a wild bull,
that plunges through, overturning everything.

Going for a walk,
the streets are empty and silent.
The moon shines down,
resting high above our heads,
like a watchful predator in the night.

The wind dances gently,
soft and light as a feather,
or like the leaves that fly and swirl,
in the autumn breeze.

Beneath our bare feet,
the pavement is cool,
and seemingly smooth,
though in reality rough.

The houses are dark,
the people asleep within.
No one to see us,
to join us in our journey.

Returning to the tent,
all of them asleep,
we try to do likewise.

But still the excitement lingers,
the feeling of satisfaction,
that inevitably comes,
with our midnight adventure.


And as usual, I clearly didn't understand the proper use of the comma.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 4)



APOLOGY POEM: Sorry About That

Sorry I put that stuffed animal,
right on top of your half-closed door.

It must have scared you when you opened it,
and the toy fell down at your feet.

But I really must say that when it fell,
the look on your face made me laugh SO hard!


Okay, I was debating about whether to put that one up, but I think it's a nice change of pace from the others. Oh, and the look on my brother's face really was pretty funny. Heh heh.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 3)

I really rather like this poem. It made me happy just to read it.


FREE VERSE POEM: Moods of the Days

When it drizzles,
ever so slightly,
like a mist of freshness,
cool to the touch,
that always feels wonderful,
especially on summer days.
When the sun shines,
even through the clouds,
yet still it rains,
a thrilling sight.
Those are the times,
I feel a glowing contentment,
spread throughout me,
as I skip through the streets.
All my worries float away,
on the magical blanket,
that only mist can form.

When it pours,
and it's muddy and cold,
the earthworms wriggling,
glistening and pink.
When the twigs,
so tiny,
are pressed until they snap,
by the relentless rain,
coming down furiously.
Those are the days,
I feel gloomy,
tired and without stamina,
ready to collapse,
short-tempered.

When it snows,
all fluffy whiteness,
like soft feathers,
resting gently on the ground.
And the sparkling specks,
follow careening paths,
twirling and flipping,
as they try to reach the ground.
That's the season,
when I am always wide-awake,
alert and watchful,
the light reflecting from the snow,
dazzling in my eyes.

When the wind chills,
a knife slashing across the skin,
stripping the leaves from the branches,
whisking away the garbage cans.
That's the time,
when I shiver,
and wish I could go to sleep,
but the wind does not permit it.

My favorite kind of day,
is when it's the beginning of spring,
where everything is green,
when newborn animals,
come out to begin their life in the world.
The sun shines,
a gentle, warm glow,
not stifling,
not humid in the least.
The wind blows,
a gentle, soft breeze,
that blows my hair back,
and lets the leaves fly,
swirling up their small tornadoes.
The air is fresh,
with a smell saying, "NEW!"
neither cold nor hot,
but warm and cool.
This kind of day,
the best of them all,
is the time when I am happiest,
light as a feather,
as if nothing in the world,
no matter how heavy,
could ever weigh down my high spirits.
I can't help but be cheerful,
in my mysterious way,
and when I am frustrated,
all that is needed,
is a look at the lively world outside.


Putting aside for the moment the abundance of unnecessary commas everywhere, I didn't know I was capable of being this descriptive. Whoo, I actually shivered imagining all that.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 2)

Okay, a forewarning before I share this poem: I was NOT abused as a child, and the poem has nothing to do with child abuse. Don't get too freaked out.


SCAR POEM: My Childhood

Punched in the face,
shoved into the wall,
glared at,
'till the shivers run down my spine,
tickling faintly,
but in a horrid way.
Shouted at,
ignored continuously,
and when something is wanted,
shoved off to fetch it.
Forced to sit still,
to be taught new things,
and how to do them,
so I can be useful.
All tensed up,
I hold my breath,
not daring to cry out,
not letting a sound escape.
For if I should get up,
as if to leave,
then would come the footsteps,
and a quick, smarting strike.
Such is my life,
the only one I know at the time,
where terror rules the day,
and nightmares rule the night.
And yet there are the good things,
that exist in spite of this.
Five years old,
I escape to school,
where the kids are my age,
and all are shy like me.
I meet new friends,
lifelong ones,
who I can trust implicitly,
who'll never let me down,
who help bring out my personality,
which has been trapped inside me,
never daring to show its face.
Gradually,
my newfound confidence strengthens,
and I venture out to higher things,
letting myself get rid of my stress,
burying myself in schoolwork.
And then one day,
my problem disappears,
quite suddenly,
forever, it seems.
But still it hurts,
to remember the days,
back as a little child,
when terror lived inside my house.


Umm... actually, I think I'll decline to comment on this one. I remember what I wrote it about, but I like it more for the writing itself than for what it refers to. It's a scar poem, after all.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 1)

While going through my high school stuff, I came across a rare gem -- my K-8 English portfolio. The single most intriguing piece in the entire folder was a poetry project from 7th grade, appropriately entitled "Heather Chan's Stupendous Poetry Project from the: [insert hand-drawn image of shining lightbulb] Imagination". I think I must have been having a wacky day that day.

Now, I've never enjoyed poetry all that much, nor do I consider myself to have any talent at it. I was thus amazed to find that I sort of enjoyed reading some of my poems rather than simply cringing and throwing them out at once. More fascinating than my childish grasp of the literary element was simply being able to hear how I thought as a 12-year-old.

I thought I'd post a couple of the poems just to have them around after I stick this project in my "to be saved" crate, and also just in case anyone else finds them as amusing as I do. Here comes the first poem in the packet...


PERSONAL POEM: "Me"-Self

My name is Heather, meaning "earth child," my teacher says.
I can't think why that could possibly be!
I think of myself as more of a person in flight than on earth.
Not stabilized, like the flower "heather," I love to try new things,
often enjoying them, but sometimes not.
Though I hate it, kids seem to look up to me, hearing my name.
Especially Tom Swart, who keeps insisting,
that what "Heather" really means is "the smartest."

I couldn't really imagine having another name.
"Heather Chan" is so well suited to me!
In fact, the two words are inseparable, since always, it seems,
and they will always be in times to come.
That's the name by which everyone knows me,
and in fact, I don't often answer to "Heather!"
It needs the "Chan" for the special ring,
to which I always answer.

Inside me, there lives a monkey, wild as the wind.
Very clever in most situations, but panicky in some.
I can be SO dense at the stupidest times,
it's a wonder that kids still have respect for me.
One of my friends once joked to everyone,
"The thing that Heather Chan lacks is common sense!"
I can honestly see why anyone might think so.
I really can overlook the obvious at times!

There are thousands of elastic bands within my heart.
With my friends and family, or new people that I meet,
when someone is sad or lonely, the elastic stretches out to them,
and I try my hardest to make them happy and forget their problems.
But when someone betrays my trust, their elastic band can snap in an instant!
It will take a long time to replace theirs with another one.
Once it has happened once, I can't be sure when it will happen again,
and so, I am much more cautious when stretching out if they need it.

On my forehead, there is a word printed in bold, black letters: Contradiction.
This is because I am a MASS of contradictions as far as my personality goes.
I will be unbelievably thoughtful and farseeing one moment,
and the next, I'll be off in another world, oblivious to my surroundings.
I will surprise my friends from time to time by going out of my way to make them happy,
but then I will become angry and mean one way or another.
Sometimes I'll help people openly when they need it but don't ask,
but other times, I will help them without their ever knowing it.

I love the sound of outside, the leaves rustling, the animals playing.
I love to hear the calls of the birds as they fly overhead in the trees.
I like to lay down on the grass, all stretched out,
and listen to the world on sunny, breezy days.
What I hate to hear is thunder, as the crack of lightning illuminates the sky.
I hate it because I know that with each flash and boom, lightning strikes somewhere,
and somewhere in the world, destruction is taking place,
whether it's in the middle of a forest, or right near someone's home.

My favorite time of day is in the afternoon, after school.
I am free from the pressures of school and learning.
Free to play, and to enjoy myself, I run about in the outside.
I could call up a friend, and go hang out, swim, or maybe go for a bike ride.
There are also trees to climb, piles of leaves to jump in,
and in winter, there's always the snow to wallow in.
The afternoon is always fun for me and my friends,
when it's a nice day outside, perfect for playing.

If they could speak, my hands would say how they wanted a break.
A break from playing instruments, from writing, from typing this poem,
and from just holding things, and playing with them.
My hands never do seem to rest, busy as they are all day long.
I wonder if they could take a break for a day,
and maybe have my feet do things instead.
My hands are very special, and they help me to do many things.
I think they really do deserve a break!

I remember walking through the woods by my neighborhood,
a couple of years ago, with some of my friends.
We pushed our way through the brush, laughing the whole time,
until we burst into a clearing, and saw a little creek running by.
It was only perhaps 3 feet wide, and so we decided to leap across.
After we had done so, we glanced around us, and saw something very odd.
There was a log cabin on the bank, half of its ceiling collapsed,
and a chair lay on the ground by it, marred by many dents and scratches.

Something my brother says each and every time to me,
whenever I have done something extremely well,
always makes me feel good inside, and hopeful,
that I can be even better the next time.
This phrase that he uses to express his approval,
is sometimes echoed by my family and friends,
and he uses the same exact words every time:
"Heather, you never cease to amaze me, you know that?"


And there it is. My immediate thoughts after/while reading this:

1. Hmm. I wonder if the punctuation is actually supposed to go outside of the quotation marks.

2. I should see if Tom Swart is on Facebook.

3. Wow, even back then I was "Heather Chan". What am I going to do when I get married?

4. There's a monkey living inside me?!

5. I still lack common sense.

6. I had more fun after school as a kid.

7. The log cabin anecdote is kind of random. Maybe we were supposed to mention an adventure or something.

8. My brother is awesome.

[EDIT: Ooh, sorry about the spillover from the longer lines. Too lazy to figure out how to make it not do that.]

Paying a visit to my past self

Today's agenda includes going through all of my old things and throwing out anything that I don't particularly desire to keep or otherwise preserve. The point of this exercise is to help my mom cut down on clutter and prevent the onslaught of packrattedness.

The problem with going through all of my old things is that I always, ALWAYS find myself getting entirely too absorbed in everything I've ever thought and done. There's so much to be found in letters I've gotten, pictures I've been in, essays I've written, events I've attended...

As a high school student, I was extremely dedicated. I was articulate, thorough, detail-oriented, exacting, precise. I had a never-ending drive to succeed, and I had self confidence to the max. There was never a question in my mind of whether I was capable of achieving the highest quality possible -- only of whether I had enough time and patience to do it. I poured inexhaustible enthusiasm into the subjects that I loved (math, science, foreign language). I thrived on complexity and eagerly embraced learning as a source of life and meaning.

I had so much motivation and momentum...

And then I went to college. Gone were the days of required attendance. Of close student-teacher relationships. Of hanging out with classmates during lunch hour. Everyone had things to do, places to go, worries to take care of. I grew more and more detached from school with each passing day.

Not to convey a poor image of my school, but from the very beginning I had a hard time feeling intellectually stimulated both by classmates and by professors. People just didn't seem to get anything, I thought. But I reasoned that I was probably just experiencing the shock of taking mainstream courses again after having spent my high school years in honors and advanced placement classes. I decided that things would eventually look up.

But it all started going downhill when I discovered that I could skip class from time to time and still do just fine on the tests and homework. As an ardent supporter of efficiency, I did just that. I soon became identified by some of my professors as one of the class non-goers. Some even asked my classmates to encourage me to attend, and I started to feel somewhat self-conscious whenever I did show up to class. Eventually I stopped going at all unless I felt I really needed the day's lecture to understand the material. Class became a chore that I tolerated, rather than an opportunity to share the love and pursuit of knowledge with classmates and teachers. I never did have the chance to see if the intellectual atmosphere of my classes would ever shape up.

Once people think they've gotten you figured out, they help you impose that identity upon yourself. And I was a certified class-skipper. There were some classes that I did not attend more than 10 times throughout the entire semester, and while my grades did not suffer for it, I was seen as indifferent, unmotivated, and lazy. Uninterested. And I began to step into that role and identify with it, even telling people that "Yes, that is how I am."

"Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be." (Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game, page 163, Valentine speaking.) Indifferent, unmotivated, and lazy. Uninterested. By the end of junior year, that's what I had become. What's more, I had not been intellectually challenged for a long time, and I had thus become complacent and unimaginative.

In high school, I was a "100% is not enough!!" kind of person. I didn't want to simply score high, I wanted to dominate the material. I wanted to know how it applied and how it was useful. Partial mastery and achievement was as if nothing to me.

Somewhere along the way, I became content to fall just somewhere in the range of successful. An A was an A to me, whether 100% or only 92.5%, and to heck with whether I could apply the material or not. Too often I became inclined to say "I guess this is the best I can do" and move on.

Looking back on my old self, I wonder: Can I go back to the enthusiastic, motivated, incredibly self-confident and self-achieving individual that I once was? What is it that I had then that I have now lost, and can it be regained?

Monday, August 18, 2008

How to deal with an INTJ (namely, me)

(Edited excerpt taken from http://fuzzy.snakeden.org/intj/)

1. Be willing to back up your statements with facts - or at least some pretty sound reasoning.

2. Don't expect them to respect you or your viewpoints just because you say so. INTJ respect must be earned.

3. Be willing to concede when you are wrong. The average INTJ respects the truth over being "right". Withdraw your erroneous comment and admit your mistake and they will see you as a very reasonable person. Stick to erroneous comments and they will think you are an irrational idiot and treat everything you say as being questionable.

4. Try not to be repetitive. It annoys them.

5. Do not feed them a line of bull.

6. Expect debate. INTJs like to tear ideas apart and prove their worthiness. They will even argue a point they don't actually support for the sake of argument.

7. Do not mistake the strength of your conviction with the strength of your argument. It will take more than fervor to sway them.

8. Do not be surprised at sarcasm.

9. Remember that INTJs believe in workable solutions. They are extremely open-minded to possibilities, but they will quickly discard any idea that is unfeasible. INTJ open-mindedness means that they are willing to have a go at an idea by trying to pull it apart. This horrifies people who expect oohs and ahhs and reverence. The ultimate INTJ insult to an idea is to ignore it, because that means it's not even interesting enough to deconstruct.

This also means that they will not just accept any viewpoint that is presented to them. The bottom line is "Does it work?" - end discussion.

10. Do not expect INTJs to actually care about how you view them. They already know that they are arrogant with a morbid sense of humor. Telling them the obvious accomplishes nothing.

I am an INTJ personality

The Scientist (or Mastermind)

(Edited excerpt taken from http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html)

INTJs value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their minds constantly gather information and make associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way.

INTJs' tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. The internal form of an INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. Their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in other people's thoughts or feelings.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. They are often convinced that they are right about things.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that they don't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement my ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive activities. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have great insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in their power to live a rich and rewarding life.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Post-graduation stupor

Home is wonderful. I'm sitting on my couch with my laptop and enjoying all the delicious smells that are coming from the kitchen right now... it's back to homemade dinners! Spending seven weeks at camp really helps one appreciate the comfort and luxury of one's own house. Er, one's parents' house?

Still, it makes me wonder how much or little I actually need to be happy. I probably could have gone on living like I had been at camp for a while longer. Life is simpler when you have less stuff to keep track of, fewer ways of being contacted, and only so many options of things you could be doing at any given moment.

Though... home really is quite wonderful.

Technically, I should have been attending graduation this morning (and playing a violin solo there too), but I slept in instead. No, don't worry, it was entirely intentional -- I'm on the other side of the country! Given a choice between attending graduation for two days and spending the next few weeks at home, I chose the latter. Can you blame me? I just hope they mail my diploma to the right place.

It's kind of weird to be done with undergraduate school. At this point, I can go off and do whatever I want. Granted, I've chosen to stay at the same school for my master's degree, but now everything is just on a whatever-I-feel-like basis. Strange, strange indeed.

Not much is going to change since I'm staying in school, but I still want something to feel different. Something to signify that I've moved on to a new stage of life. Something more than smaller classes, relaxed coursework, living wherever I want, and being able to check things out of the library for over 3 months. I want to feel more independent. More... grown-up, somehow. Being an adult definitely doesn't equate to feeling like one. I still think of myself as a kid in many ways.

For the coming year, I want to try some new things. I want to pick up some new hobbies, meet new people, go to new places, develop new routines. I want to know what's going on around me. I want to act, dress, and speak more like an adult. I want to feel more put together and be confident in who I am.

I've spent too much of my recent life feeling apologetic for the way I am. It's time to change.

Friday, July 25, 2008

My biggest fear is failing to be a worthwhile person

A friend asked me the other day what my biggest fear is, and I didn't know. But looking back on my thought patterns for the last two years of my life, I think I've figured it out (see title of this post).

Yes... I have failing-to-be-a-worthwhile-person-phobia. I think a lot of people have it to varying degrees. Most of them probably don't even know they have it.

I think it could also be called fear of being a boring person. Not only a boring person to other people, but a boring person to oneself. Currently, I am intensely suffering the latter.

I feel like my brain activity is slowly diminishing. There was a time when I thought about everything, all the time. Not in the sense of worrying or stressing about various things. Just pure curiosity about the world. About people, about society, religion, philosophy, the sciences, the arts... you name it. I was always asking questions--how does that work? why does this happen? how did people ever figure this out? what if society suddenly became like this? why couldn't the world have been this way?

Nowadays? If I get a spare moment to think, I'm perfectly happy to waste it staring at the wall. Stark contrast.

One of my theories is that a lot of my questioning used to be sparked by books that I read. Back when I actually had and/or made time to read, my mind was always alive with new ideas and perspectives about life and mankind. I also think that what I read made up a large part of the subjects I liked to talk about. Lately, I feel like I don't talk about much except for the same old things all the time. I really am turning into a boring person...

I went to the library the other day and just reveled in all of the knowledge contained there. I checked out some books that I want to read, but I haven't had time yet to crack open even one cover. Even so, having a stack of books on my chair has put me somewhat at ease. Maybe it's not too late yet to rediscover my love of learning.

Peanuts

In my first post, I mentioned how I think it's weird that nobody seems to know whether a "peanut" is the whole shell plus the two nuts or one of the two nuts themselves. Well, that's actually not what I meant, since most people I know will say "it's both!"

What I think is weird is that if you're holding the whole shell plus the two nuts, you're holding one peanut, but you're also holding two peanuts at the same time. What's with that?

Dang it, sometimes I just want to enjoy today!

Once upon a time, I created a blog. (And wrote four entries in it -- in one day!! Unheard of for me.)

Then I was smitten by finals, rehearsals, a work assignment, and other such time-consuming, energy-draining aspects of life.

But oh, how I thought of my poor, sweet blog, laying untouched for days, even weeks! Hardly a day passed that I did not wish to commune with it.

Alas, 'twas not to be.

Sometimes there's just so much stuff going through my head (thoughts, worries, emotions, etc) that it hurts. It literally makes me queasy inside. That's been me for the last week or so. It's when I get like that that I know I could really use a writing session to let it all out. Even just to recognize all the things that are bothering me so that I can be in a better position to improve my own life. I hate feeling like I'm just being swept along by the stream of time.

Thankfully, some things have been kicked out of the way or otherwise conquered, and I can breathe a little for the moment.

Schoolwork prepares me to be able to get a job. Rehearsals prepare me to perform well. Working prepares me to be able to eat later. I spend plenty of time preparing for tomorrow and the future, but I want to have a nice day today, too! Is that so much to ask?

It's crazy what people will do to themselves in order to do what they think is the right thing. I've been depriving myself of food and sleep all week to get things done, and although I've done all my schoolwork, rehearsals, and work decently, I sure feel pretty crappy. My body doesn't want to respond to anything I tell it to do, my muscles are achy, my eyes hurt, and my brain is performing at a little less than top-notch level right now. (Plus, I realized this morning when I went to shower that I hadn't showered since Tuesday night. Eww.)

It's also crazy how fast time flies by when you need to be getting stuff done. I feel like I've hardly done anything today, yet here we are nearly at 8PM already. Does Einstein's theory of relativity explain that?

...man, I'm so glad that my physics final is over.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Pride is still my deadly sin

Ahem. The breakdown:

Greed:Very Low

Gluttony:Low

Wrath:Low

Sloth:Low

Envy:Low

Lust:Very Low

Pride:High



Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Pride is a serious issue for me, I think. It's not the haughty kind of pride where you look down on everyone else, but rather where your past self looks down on your current self. It's the type of pride that just reinforces insecurity and bitterness: where you won't accept the way things have turned out because you don't think they're good enough for where you're at and that you must have failed somehow because you clearly deserve better. And then you start to feel like you must suck at life because you've obviously failed at something. It's a pretty self-crushing type of pride, in my opinion, and I need to find a way to cure myself of it before I go mad.

On the up side, I think all the bars except "Lust" were pretty high the last time I took this quiz. So, I've improved quite a bit, considering. Not that an online quiz is by any means an authoritative way of measuring the cleanliness of my soul, of course... but they're still fun!

The real me is an introvert

A good friend of mine looked at the URL for this blog and joked that maybe he's been deceived by "thefakeheatherchan.blogspot.com". Clever. But maybe somewhat true in a (figurative) way...

Although I'm a reasonably sociable and friendly person when I try to be, I consider myself to be an introvert. I find it difficult and even unrewarding to talk about my feelings to other people, and I detest being anywhere near the center of attention. I feel incredibly vulnerable when people know or can see how I feel about things, and I especially hate being observed. I prefer to avoid conflict and any other situations that might draw attention to me and my inner feelings. Debates are not my forte. Public speaking chills my spine. Even as a musician specializing in performance, I hate performing!

I generally don't like people to see or grasp who I really am and how I work. If you don't look closely, I'll probably try to fool you into thinking that I'm really open about what I think, really comfortable with people, and really good at handling stress and worry. And I'll probably be completely content with letting you believe it, too.

So, perhaps "therealheatherchan.blogspot.com" signifies that I'm trying my best to battle my introversion and let my true self emerge here. This is the me that you don't see in everyday life.

Two completely different voices

So has anyone else noticed a huge discrepancy between the way they write and the way they speak? I know a good number of people who write exactly as if they were talking, and some who write slightly more formally. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that I would never speak the way I write at all. (Okay, well, maybe a little bit.) I think some difference is natural, but in my case it seems like I don't even know how to speak English when I'm having a conversation with someone in person. On the other hand, I feel like I have a pretty decent grasp of the language on paper (computer screen, whatever). My punctuation isn't always great, but I know some good vocabulary and I can express myself decently. But talking? Forget it. I'm about as inarticulate as they come.

Maybe that's partly why I'm writing in this thing. Sometimes I feel like I don't even understand my own thoughts because they just come out so jumbled. It takes writing the words down to hear what I'm trying to think! It's even more of a nightmare to try to talk to someone else while I'm trying to decide what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to say.

I'm a letter writer. At least, I used to be. Nowadays email has pretty much taken over and turned me into an email writer, but I still like to write old-fashioned letters on lined paper ever now and then.

Wait, let me clarify... I'm not a letter/email writer in the sense that I'm good at keeping in touch with people. Man, I am not good at that at all. It's slightly pathetic. What I mean is that when I really want to say something to somebody and have them understand it, I write them a letter. Or an email, depending. I can't get anything out right in person. And, when I want to say something to myself and have myself understand it, I write it down. I can't just think through it.

I'm working on the talking thing, I really am. But I have a terrible time forming coherent sentences, and then I sort of mumble everything. I talk in the back of my throat. It's awful. I can't imagine how people can stand talking to me. My mom's always getting after me to enunciate more.

I wonder a lot what people think when they meet me. In writing I sound perfectly capable of thinking. In person, not so much. I've been thinking that I should take some public speaking classes to fix how I talk, and also work on being more confident about talking. I guess it doesn't help that I don't like my voice. But speaking more clearly and bringing my voice forward would probably fix most of what I don't like about it. Hmm, worth a shot...

I think I sound kind of matter-of-fact when I write. I suppose that might not be too far off from my personality, though.

A fresh start

Well, I've never been great at writing in journals. As a matter of fact, my current journal is not more than 3 inches away from my elbow at this very moment... yet despite the fact that I see it every day, I hardly ever touch it, let alone open it and write in it. I find that whenever I even consider writing in it, I almost immediately give up for one of two reasons: 1) I still haven't written about that other thing I wanted to write about and my perfectionist side won't let me write out of chronological order, or 2) the particular thought I want to write about is too deep, confusing and/or depressing for me to possibly want to spend that much time articulating it into words, much less come back and read it later.

I've also never been great at writing in blogs. There's always that pressure of finding something to write about that won't bore people to tears--you know, not like the typical "I saw so-and-so today, and I ate such-and-such for lunch, and I just can't BELIEVE that ..." And I realize that that's just how most people's lives are, mine being no exception. Earthshaking, life-changing events just don't happen to the average human being on a regular basis. Certainly not often enough to keep a consistent record of them, anyway.

Or maybe I'm just the odd one out?

In any case, there have been plenty of times when I would gladly sit down and articulate some random thought that I had on some particular day, but haven't in order to spare the attention span of my fellow human beings. And it's really too bad, because even if there isn't a single other person in the entire world who cares that I think it's weird that nobody seems to know whether a "peanut" is the whole shell plus the two nuts or one of the two nuts themselves... well, it is!

So, this blog is for me. And, I guess, for anyone else who is the slightest bit curious about what actually goes on inside my head. I claim no responsibility for those who drive themselves to boredom, madness, depression, or endless cycles of confusion upon reading anything I decide to write here. I predict that there will be a severe lack both of earthshaking events and of relevance to life.

That said, I think I'll go to the bathroom now. My bladder's about to explode.