My thoughts on guys, part II

Reading my previous post on this subject, I'm still surprised to look back and see how similar to myself I imagined my ideal guy to be. On the one hand, it is certainly attractive to have many things in common because those are the things that allow you to understand each other, relate to each other, and form a comfortable and reliable base for the relationship. On the other hand, it can be fascinating and intriguing to spend time with someone who experiences life just a little differently than you do.

It mixes things up a bit. It opens your eyes to new ways of thinking and feeling. It makes you start to question if your own way is really the right and only way to be. It gets you a little more excited about life in general. It keeps things fresh and alive.

Ideally, I want to be in a relationship where we can guide and uplift each other according to our individual strengths and talents. When two people have different strengths and weaknesses, both can simultaneously look to and respect the other in areas that they themselves are not as strong in. And on the flip side, each person can experience the joy and fulfillment of supporting the other in ways that come very naturally to them. Finding your match isn't finding someone who is equally good at everything you can do; a couple like that would have nothing to offer each other and nowhere to grow. It's not like matching identical cards in a game of Concentration. It's more like fitting Lego pieces together--there's a similarity yet complementarity that makes it work.

That's not to say I don't want to associate with people who are similar to me; those are the people I get along with the easiest, since we understand each other so well from the start. But I think those can be the friendships that fulfill the parts of your life that your significant other is not involved in. For example, I really doubt that I will end up with another computer scientist; that would drive me mad, I think. But I do enjoy talking to other computer scientists and turning over ideas that others might have no appreciation for. If my spouse had no idea what in the world I was talking about with my work, that would be just fine with me--I could always call up some friends to discuss my theories with.

However, I think I need to be with someone who understands music. Not necessarily a musician (although that would be nice too... but not a violinist!), but certainly someone who appreciates and speaks the language at a higher level than simply "oh, that's pretty." Music is such a huge part of my life and has such an impact on me that someone who couldn't understand it on an instinctual level would not be able to fully understand me.

Even with all this in mind, being with someone who thinks differently than you can be a scary prospect. It can bring about conflict when you disagree on certain things. But I don't think all conflict is necessarily undesirable. Conflict doesn't have to be unfriendly; it can simply be a difference in opinion. And the opportunity to reexamine, reevaluate, and defend your stance on life or some aspect thereof can validate your existence just as much as harmonious agreement can, especially when both parties can eventually come to a better understanding of the other and draw closer as a result.

There's so much more I have to say on this subject, but it's so hard to put into words. So I'll leave it at that.

My thoughts on guys, part I

My hard drive is freaking out after the last update I installed, which in turn is freaking me out, so I'm currently backing up everything on this computer. Before doing so, though, I'm trying to clean up and organize a little bit so I'm not just backing up stuff I wanted to get rid of anyway. Haha, it was actually one of my goals to clean up this computer during the Christmas break, so maybe this is just a little push to get me to do it.

Anyway, while looking through things, I found this note I wrote on April 21, 2005 about guys. Thought it was kind of funny and sounds just like freshman me, and I thought I'd put it up on here, albeit at the risk of seriously embarrassing myself. I think my thoughts on guys have greatly evolved since then, but it's pretty fun to hear what I thought at the time:



"Before you agree to marry a guy, you have to see how he acts when he’s mad. You need to know what he does when he’s frustrated, especially with his family members, how he treats them. You should see how he treats little kids, what he thinks of them. You should see him when he’s stressed, whether he despairs or hangs in there without complaint. You need to see how he treats his friends when he’s had an argument with them. You should think twice if he’s ever forced you to do anything against your will. Most of all, you should make sure it’s not on a whim, that you have already thought about marriage with him and that you have known him long enough, say maybe 2 years minimum. And it’d be best if you were at least 20.

"My ideal guy? By no means do I set absolute requirements or dismiss a guy if he doesn’t have one of these qualities or traits. I look at the big picture. But, I could definitely describe my ideal.

"First, physical traits. I tend to go for Caucasians. Maybe it’s because I’ve just grown up around white people, who knows. But I am attracted to height and that light hair color that’s somewhat in between blond and brown. I also like light-colored eyes. My ideal guy would be taller than [my brother], but I would still be taller than his shoulder. He would be heavier than me but faster than me (not TOO much faster), and he would be strong enough to lift me in his arms and carry me around without difficulty.

"There are certain qualifications that I’d also like him to meet. He would need to be older than me by at least two years, but no older than [my brother]’s age. He would be ... spiritual like [my brother]. He would be smart on a level comparable with mine, interested and good with languages, and energetic athletically. I am really impressed by coordination and quick reflexes in particular. He would be musically proficient on either cello or piano (but it would be great if he played others in addition). He’d know and be good with computers.

"As for personality traits, he’d be socially sound, but he’d have his dorky moments. He wouldn’t be the life of the party, but he’d be liked by everybody. He’d split time between people and girls (he’d still hang out with friends!). He’d have to be a night person. He’d hang out with mainly guys and not be like those guys who are super nice to all girls. He’d be more of a distanced, polite sort of nice to girls he didn’t know (or both genders for that matter). He wouldn’t be insecure, but he wouldn’t be overly confident; he’d be human and still have his doubts. He wouldn’t overanalyze relationships but he would still be a little nervous and analyze them somewhat. He’d get somewhat jealous but be cute (unknowingly) about confronting a girl about it (and he would confront, not sit there sulking). He’d give a girl space now and then. He would be the type of guy to be aware of girls’ personal bubble and sit some inches away from her. But if he liked her, he would sit closer sometimes and be nervous. Most importantly, he’d TALK.

"Well, there you have it. My kind of guy."



One thing that's pretty interesting is that a lot of the things I mentioned imply someone who is a lot like me (minus the Caucasian part). Lately, I've changed my mind a lot in that regard and think I would like to marry someone who is different from me in a lot of ways. Who wants to marry an identical person?

I think ideally I'd marry someone who shares a lot of common ground with me, but who has a different approach to life. I'm so logical, so deliberate, so serious. I need someone who will liven things up a bit.

More thoughts on this later.

I want to fall in love

I'm working on my master's and I just realized that I have no plans for after I get my degree. No preference on where I want to live, what I want to do, where I want to work... nothing. I think I always figured that this is the part where the guy's supposed to show up and start factoring into everything.

By the way, this is not a complaint about being single. I love being single. I have freedom, I don't have to worry about taking care of someone else and nurturing a delicate relationship, my time is my own and I can do whatever I like with it.

At the same time, it would be awfully nice to have someone to love and look after, and who loved me back and supported me too. Friends are forever, but that particular kind of companionship is just on an entirely different level.

I highly doubt that I'm going to be married by the time I get my master's degree. So then what? Whoever I marry depends on where I end up going after that. Don't want to mess THAT up. I mean, I'll probably end up going wherever the wind takes me but I sort of want to get married someday, too. I wonder who he'll be, what he'll be like, what sorts of things he'll like to do, what kinds of things he'll like to talk about. How will I find him? What will our story be like?

Are you out there, somewhere? Are you wondering these same things too?

I'm in an uncharacteristically girly and sappy mood. It's too bad it's a Tuesday night and I have homework, else I'd probably be switching on some chick flick right now. Wouldn't that be something?