I want to fall in love

I'm working on my master's and I just realized that I have no plans for after I get my degree. No preference on where I want to live, what I want to do, where I want to work... nothing. I think I always figured that this is the part where the guy's supposed to show up and start factoring into everything.

By the way, this is not a complaint about being single. I love being single. I have freedom, I don't have to worry about taking care of someone else and nurturing a delicate relationship, my time is my own and I can do whatever I like with it.

At the same time, it would be awfully nice to have someone to love and look after, and who loved me back and supported me too. Friends are forever, but that particular kind of companionship is just on an entirely different level.

I highly doubt that I'm going to be married by the time I get my master's degree. So then what? Whoever I marry depends on where I end up going after that. Don't want to mess THAT up. I mean, I'll probably end up going wherever the wind takes me but I sort of want to get married someday, too. I wonder who he'll be, what he'll be like, what sorts of things he'll like to do, what kinds of things he'll like to talk about. How will I find him? What will our story be like?

Are you out there, somewhere? Are you wondering these same things too?

I'm in an uncharacteristically girly and sappy mood. It's too bad it's a Tuesday night and I have homework, else I'd probably be switching on some chick flick right now. Wouldn't that be something?

Stop this train

Being the extremely pop-culture-ignorant individual that I am, I had never even heard of John Mayer until Jessie added a music player to her blog. I like pretty much all the stuff she's got on there, but I especially liked one Mayer song, "Stop This Train". Besides having a nifty acoustic guitar accompaniment, the lyrics really speak to how I've been feeling lately.

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind, but
I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing, stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Lately I feel like I've woken up and discovered that life is racing by faster than I can handle. When I think about things like getting a full-time job, moving away from school, getting married, having kids, grandkids... and eventually losing my parents, my siblings, my friends, as we all get old... I'm not ready for any of that; I don't want to be ready for any of that yet. I'm not ready to fight life out on my own.

It seems like there are people who can, at the end of their lives, lie on their deathbeds and say with confidence that they're happy with the lives that they've lived and that they're ready to go. Obviously, I'm not to that point, but it makes me wonder -- what are the things that I want to have done by the time I die? What do I need to be happy? To feel like I've really made the most of my life?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I regret never doing, or trying, or saying? If I were to follow the saying "live as though you would die tomorrow", how would I live differently? Would I be kinder? More patient? Would I tell, show my family and friends more often how much I love them? Would I be better about calling, writing emails? About listening? About just being there for others?

I don't know what I want out of life. Or what it wants out of me. I don't know what I want to accomplish, and see, and experience before I'm ready to go. How can I be ready to live out the rest of my life if I don't know what I want to do with it?

Honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Inspirational quotes that I always ignored for some reason

Found my assignment notebook from high school! I pulled some quotes out of it that I like:

RESOLUTION: "When we cannot change a situation, resolution comes through the way we choose to handle it within ourselves." -- Gerald Coffee

MOTIVATION: "Ability is what you're capable of doing... motivation determines what you do... attitude determines how well you do it." -- Anonymous

OPTIMISM: "Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." -- George Bernard Shaw

RESPONSIBILITY: "We can't take any credit for our talents. It's how we use them that counts." -- Madeleine L'Engle

ATTITUDE: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -- Maya Angelou

TOLERANCE: "The test of courage comes when we are in the minority; the test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." -- Ralph W. Sockman

PERSPECTIVE: "When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." -- Alexander Graham Bell

INSPIRATION: "The key to life is imagination." -- Jane Stanton Hitchcock

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 6)

This was the most interesting poem for me to read. Made me kind of introspective again, actually.

MIRROR POEM: Secrets

When I look into the mirror,
I see another person.
A person I can relate to,
who can share all my secrets.
Looking into her dark eyes,
I can see something there:
A sense of achievement;
a strong self-motivation.
This, I feel,
is a dependable person,
who won't let me down,
unless it is beyond her control.
I can tell she has seen many successes,
yet I see also many failures.
I see how they bother her,
gnawing away at the back of her mind,
like little, pesky rodents.
Things that could have gone better,
had she put in the effort.
Opportunities that could have been opened,
had she only let them be.
But worst of all,
I see the failures that most torture her.
When those she cared most about,
had to endure pain and sorrow.
Those times are the most awful,
to her sensitive conscience.
Even if she could have changed nothing,
still the thought nags at her,
that she should have done something!
These things reveal themselves to me,
as I continue to look into her eyes.
However, I am quite sure,
that she will never burden another,
with the wild, troublesome thoughts,
that fly through her mind at every second.
Never will they know what lies beneath.
The cheerful smile,
the good-natured laugh,
it is all a concealment
of the problems she seeks to resolve.
She does not want others to worry,
or feel sorry for her,
or to know when they have hurt her,
so she simply keeps it a secret,
a caged animal threatening to emerge.
As I watch her,
I wish to tell her,
not to be so protective,
of the people around her,
but to be mindful to herself.
I want to tell her,
to enjoy herself in life,
and all the gifts it brings.
I feel that she should know
she can take a break sometimes.
And I will be there for her,
just as she is there for others.

Yeah. Speaks for itself, really.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 5)

I think this poem was based on my 12th birthday party.

FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE POEM: Sleep-Over

Late at night,
the crickets chirping,
we stay up in the tent,
talking of times past.

Then up in the loft,
we whisper jokes,
and it takes all our willpower,
just to control our laughter,
which is threatening to escape,
like a wild bull,
that plunges through, overturning everything.

Going for a walk,
the streets are empty and silent.
The moon shines down,
resting high above our heads,
like a watchful predator in the night.

The wind dances gently,
soft and light as a feather,
or like the leaves that fly and swirl,
in the autumn breeze.

Beneath our bare feet,
the pavement is cool,
and seemingly smooth,
though in reality rough.

The houses are dark,
the people asleep within.
No one to see us,
to join us in our journey.

Returning to the tent,
all of them asleep,
we try to do likewise.

But still the excitement lingers,
the feeling of satisfaction,
that inevitably comes,
with our midnight adventure.

And as usual, I clearly didn't understand the proper use of the comma.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 4)

APOLOGY POEM: Sorry About That

Sorry I put that stuffed animal,
right on top of your half-closed door.

It must have scared you when you opened it,
and the toy fell down at your feet.

But I really must say that when it fell,
the look on your face made me laugh SO hard!

Okay, I was debating about whether to put that one up, but I think it's a nice change of pace from the others. Oh, and the look on my brother's face really was pretty funny. Heh heh.

Heather the 12-year-old poet (no. 3)

I really rather like this poem. It made me happy just to read it.

FREE VERSE POEM: Moods of the Days

When it drizzles,
ever so slightly,
like a mist of freshness,
cool to the touch,
that always feels wonderful,
especially on summer days.
When the sun shines,
even through the clouds,
yet still it rains,
a thrilling sight.
Those are the times,
I feel a glowing contentment,
spread throughout me,
as I skip through the streets.
All my worries float away,
on the magical blanket,
that only mist can form.

When it pours,
and it's muddy and cold,
the earthworms wriggling,
glistening and pink.
When the twigs,
so tiny,
are pressed until they snap,
by the relentless rain,
coming down furiously.
Those are the days,
I feel gloomy,
tired and without stamina,
ready to collapse,
short-tempered.

When it snows,
all fluffy whiteness,
like soft feathers,
resting gently on the ground.
And the sparkling specks,
follow careening paths,
twirling and flipping,
as they try to reach the ground.
That's the season,
when I am always wide-awake,
alert and watchful,
the light reflecting from the snow,
dazzling in my eyes.

When the wind chills,
a knife slashing across the skin,
stripping the leaves from the branches,
whisking away the garbage cans.
That's the time,
when I shiver,
and wish I could go to sleep,
but the wind does not permit it.

My favorite kind of day,
is when it's the beginning of spring,
where everything is green,
when newborn animals,
come out to begin their life in the world.
The sun shines,
a gentle, warm glow,
not stifling,
not humid in the least.
The wind blows,
a gentle, soft breeze,
that blows my hair back,
and lets the leaves fly,
swirling up their small tornadoes.
The air is fresh,
with a smell saying, "NEW!"
neither cold nor hot,
but warm and cool.
This kind of day,
the best of them all,
is the time when I am happiest,
light as a feather,
as if nothing in the world,
no matter how heavy,
could ever weigh down my high spirits.
I can't help but be cheerful,
in my mysterious way,
and when I am frustrated,
all that is needed,
is a look at the lively world outside.

Putting aside for the moment the abundance of unnecessary commas everywhere, I didn't know I was capable of being this descriptive. Whoo, I actually shivered imagining all that.