My biggest fear is failing to be a worthwhile person

A friend asked me the other day what my biggest fear is, and I didn't know. But looking back on my thought patterns for the last two years of my life, I think I've figured it out (see title of this post).

Yes... I have failing-to-be-a-worthwhile-person-phobia. I think a lot of people have it to varying degrees. Most of them probably don't even know they have it.

I think it could also be called fear of being a boring person. Not only a boring person to other people, but a boring person to oneself. Currently, I am intensely suffering the latter.

I feel like my brain activity is slowly diminishing. There was a time when I thought about everything, all the time. Not in the sense of worrying or stressing about various things. Just pure curiosity about the world. About people, about society, religion, philosophy, the sciences, the arts... you name it. I was always asking questions--how does that work? why does this happen? how did people ever figure this out? what if society suddenly became like this? why couldn't the world have been this way?

Nowadays? If I get a spare moment to think, I'm perfectly happy to waste it staring at the wall. Stark contrast.

One of my theories is that a lot of my questioning used to be sparked by books that I read. Back when I actually had and/or made time to read, my mind was always alive with new ideas and perspectives about life and mankind. I also think that what I read made up a large part of the subjects I liked to talk about. Lately, I feel like I don't talk about much except for the same old things all the time. I really am turning into a boring person...

I went to the library the other day and just reveled in all of the knowledge contained there. I checked out some books that I want to read, but I haven't had time yet to crack open even one cover. Even so, having a stack of books on my chair has put me somewhat at ease. Maybe it's not too late yet to rediscover my love of learning.